Wow, I have seriously been neglecting this blog lately. Just a little too much going on in the everyday, workaday world. But I'm starting to get my creative on again.
You know, sex scenes are not easy to write. I mean, you can get all caught up in the moment, but then you have to stop and think about where to put the hands, and what's going on with the breathing, and ...WTF...is there talking? And if so, what are they saying? And...if you want it to be real, exactly how realistic do you make it? I mean, there must be a happy medium somewhere between a letter to Penthouse, a Cosmo article, and the blurry euphamisms in your typical romance novel.
I know, I know - some people sweat their dialog, want to know if it's believable. I'm all about the sex. Big surprise there. It does make a nice counterpoint to the work projects, cleaning the house, painting the bathrooms, and paying the bills. (What about the breathing? And is there talking?)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wait in the Van: Even A Monkey's Lungs Seemed Safer. And More Homey.
Holy Cow -- totally classic. At least, it is if you're a mom and you're pretty much done with George. I want more...
Wait in the Van: Even A Monkey's Lungs Seemed Safer. And More Homey.
Wait in the Van: Even A Monkey's Lungs Seemed Safer. And More Homey.
Monday, January 25, 2010
No one knows her, but Dar Williams rules...
I've had this song on the brain all day...
How I long to fall, just a little bit
To dance out of the lights and
to stray from the light
But I fear that to fall in love with you
is to fall from a great
and gruesome height.
So you know I asked a friend about it
on a bad day, her husband had just left her
and she sat down on the chair he'd left behind
she said, "What is love? Where did it get me?
Whoever thought of love is no friend of mine."
Once I had everything - I gave it up
for the shoulder of a driveway and
the words I never felt
But for you, I came this far
across the tracks
10 miles above the limit and with no seatbelt,
and I'd do it again
For tonight I went running
through the screen doors of discretion
when I woke up from a nightmare
that I could not bear to see
You were wandering out on the hills of Iowa
and you were not thinking of me
How I long to fall, just a little bit
To dance out of the lights and
to stray from the light
But I fear that to fall in love with you
is to fall from a great
and gruesome height.
So you know I asked a friend about it
on a bad day, her husband had just left her
and she sat down on the chair he'd left behind
she said, "What is love? Where did it get me?
Whoever thought of love is no friend of mine."
Once I had everything - I gave it up
for the shoulder of a driveway and
the words I never felt
But for you, I came this far
across the tracks
10 miles above the limit and with no seatbelt,
and I'd do it again
For tonight I went running
through the screen doors of discretion
when I woke up from a nightmare
that I could not bear to see
You were wandering out on the hills of Iowa
and you were not thinking of me
Friday, January 1, 2010
A Great Start!
Whoohoo, no hangover -- starting 2010 on the right foot!
Now let's see what else I can accomplish today....
Now let's see what else I can accomplish today....
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Never Enough Time
Where did 2009 go?
Not that I'm sorry it's over -- I don't think there are very many people who are sad to see the backside of this year. But this year has flown by on supersonic wings. Especially the last two months, which seem to have lasted about two weeks!
When I lost my job, I thought I'd take advantage of the extra time to focus on some pet personal projects that have been on my mind and my "bucket list" but that I never seemed to have time to complete. Working on my book, organizing the house & garage and clearing out 3 years of accumulated junk, creating my new website -- and of course, working on my resume, my personal marketing plan and my job search. I don't know WHY it didn't all get done in 60 days!
Now I'm facing several job offers at the beginning of January and the reality of going back to work full time, and I'm starting to have a panic attack that it hasn't been long enough. Which then makes me incredibly guilty to feel this way at the moment, because really, who complains about job offers in a difficult market? But I AM questioning whether going back to work for someone else is really the right thing to do. What if I only need a few more months to make some great things happen on my own? On the other hand, a challenging career working for a company that will give me a lot of control and a lot of discretionary income is also highly satisfying and....what's that word? Oh, yeah...safe.
One thing I do know is that I'm determined that 2010 will be a much better, much different year than 2009. I took some baby steps this year that I intend to turn into fearless leaps -- no matter how terrifying or difficult. I'm afraid I don't believe that the meek will inherit the earth. Or perhaps it's just that I don't believe I should sit around waiting for an inheritance.
And I believe in the power of specific goals. So here are some of mine for next year:
1. Accept a lucrative, flexible job offer or produce consulting income no later than February 1st.
2. Submit Twelve Months to SVWC in May. Finish book in 2010.
3. Resolve relationship paralysis.
4. Pitch the Berkeley book to a cable network as a mini-series.
5. Launch portal site.
6. Run 2 half marathons and possibly one marathon (gulp).
7. Get my financial house in order.
OK, those are the SERIOUS things. But there are also some fun things I want to be sure I do:
1. Host a Passion Party.
2. Go to Disneyland. Or maybe on a Disney cruise. I realize I'm a nerd here, but I don't care.
3. Canyon Ranch. And regular spa days.
4. Take a 12-week workout class with my scary-fit friend(s). Do the Wii Fit.
5. Research the silly wine idea. Include at least one Napa trip.
6. Bowling.
7. Lunch/drinks with my fabulous friends.
8. Vegas, baby.
9. Sex, for the love of god. (Now, why did I think of this last??? Have I not learned??)
I'm sure there's more. There's always more. But I'm feeling up to the challenge.
Not that I'm sorry it's over -- I don't think there are very many people who are sad to see the backside of this year. But this year has flown by on supersonic wings. Especially the last two months, which seem to have lasted about two weeks!
When I lost my job, I thought I'd take advantage of the extra time to focus on some pet personal projects that have been on my mind and my "bucket list" but that I never seemed to have time to complete. Working on my book, organizing the house & garage and clearing out 3 years of accumulated junk, creating my new website -- and of course, working on my resume, my personal marketing plan and my job search. I don't know WHY it didn't all get done in 60 days!
Now I'm facing several job offers at the beginning of January and the reality of going back to work full time, and I'm starting to have a panic attack that it hasn't been long enough. Which then makes me incredibly guilty to feel this way at the moment, because really, who complains about job offers in a difficult market? But I AM questioning whether going back to work for someone else is really the right thing to do. What if I only need a few more months to make some great things happen on my own? On the other hand, a challenging career working for a company that will give me a lot of control and a lot of discretionary income is also highly satisfying and....what's that word? Oh, yeah...safe.
One thing I do know is that I'm determined that 2010 will be a much better, much different year than 2009. I took some baby steps this year that I intend to turn into fearless leaps -- no matter how terrifying or difficult. I'm afraid I don't believe that the meek will inherit the earth. Or perhaps it's just that I don't believe I should sit around waiting for an inheritance.
And I believe in the power of specific goals. So here are some of mine for next year:
1. Accept a lucrative, flexible job offer or produce consulting income no later than February 1st.
2. Submit Twelve Months to SVWC in May. Finish book in 2010.
3. Resolve relationship paralysis.
4. Pitch the Berkeley book to a cable network as a mini-series.
5. Launch portal site.
6. Run 2 half marathons and possibly one marathon (gulp).
7. Get my financial house in order.
OK, those are the SERIOUS things. But there are also some fun things I want to be sure I do:
1. Host a Passion Party.
2. Go to Disneyland. Or maybe on a Disney cruise. I realize I'm a nerd here, but I don't care.
3. Canyon Ranch. And regular spa days.
4. Take a 12-week workout class with my scary-fit friend(s). Do the Wii Fit.
5. Research the silly wine idea. Include at least one Napa trip.
6. Bowling.
7. Lunch/drinks with my fabulous friends.
8. Vegas, baby.
9. Sex, for the love of god. (Now, why did I think of this last??? Have I not learned??)
I'm sure there's more. There's always more. But I'm feeling up to the challenge.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Gotta Love It
Courtesy of the three year old:
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Five gold wigs,
Four collic birds,
Three Frenchmen,
Two Turtle bugs,
and a Padre in a Pierre tree.
Gotta love it.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Five gold wigs,
Four collic birds,
Three Frenchmen,
Two Turtle bugs,
and a Padre in a Pierre tree.
Gotta love it.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Show Up At The Page
Now that I have two kids, I'm really understanding the whole "room of one's own" thing in a visceral way.
But I'm also learning that if things aren't going the way I want them to, I usually have only myself to blame. Laziness and procrastination are easy drinking buddies, but they leave behind a nasty hangover. I can't call myself a writer if I don't write, the bills won't pay themselves, and if I'm not being treated the way I want then I better fix the circumstances and the terms, because no one else will.
Sometimes I just have to kick my own ass. I hate that.
But I'm also learning that if things aren't going the way I want them to, I usually have only myself to blame. Laziness and procrastination are easy drinking buddies, but they leave behind a nasty hangover. I can't call myself a writer if I don't write, the bills won't pay themselves, and if I'm not being treated the way I want then I better fix the circumstances and the terms, because no one else will.
Sometimes I just have to kick my own ass. I hate that.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
New Starts
I've been neglecting my blog lately.
I experienced what a lot of my clients have gone through when I was unexpectedly fired from my job (unfairly, of course - doesn't that go without saying). So on top of everything else I've been working through, I had to get through that too. However, I think I've come to conclusion that maybe in order to get through my paralysis, ALL of the crap in my life needed to be torn down, swept off, pulverized, and otherwise gotten out of the way. I just hadn't realized that included my job!
2010 will be the year of moving forward.
It's funny, but after I got past the anger over the details of my situation, I started to realize that leaving that way actually created a gateway for me to get to what I really want to be doing with my time, my energy, and my focus going forward. So I've been working on the book - which is getting stronger every day. I've been working on the plan for a website, which is bringing a lot of excitement when I share the idea. I've been facilitating some really interesting discussions around an entrepreneurial venture. I've been working on several consulting projects, which are bringing in enough money. I'm running on a regular basis, and I'm registered for some big races next year, which is a huge step for me. And I've actually got the time and the equilibrium to think about resolving my personal life, instead of sweeping it under the rug and thinking I'll just deal with it later.
And my office is organized, the house is clean, and the laundry is done, all at the same time, for the first time since we've lived here.
When I had to transition from my corporate email back to my personal after seven years, I was reminded that Leap and the net will appear was my motto. I think it particularly apt for 2010.
I experienced what a lot of my clients have gone through when I was unexpectedly fired from my job (unfairly, of course - doesn't that go without saying). So on top of everything else I've been working through, I had to get through that too. However, I think I've come to conclusion that maybe in order to get through my paralysis, ALL of the crap in my life needed to be torn down, swept off, pulverized, and otherwise gotten out of the way. I just hadn't realized that included my job!
2010 will be the year of moving forward.
It's funny, but after I got past the anger over the details of my situation, I started to realize that leaving that way actually created a gateway for me to get to what I really want to be doing with my time, my energy, and my focus going forward. So I've been working on the book - which is getting stronger every day. I've been working on the plan for a website, which is bringing a lot of excitement when I share the idea. I've been facilitating some really interesting discussions around an entrepreneurial venture. I've been working on several consulting projects, which are bringing in enough money. I'm running on a regular basis, and I'm registered for some big races next year, which is a huge step for me. And I've actually got the time and the equilibrium to think about resolving my personal life, instead of sweeping it under the rug and thinking I'll just deal with it later.
And my office is organized, the house is clean, and the laundry is done, all at the same time, for the first time since we've lived here.
When I had to transition from my corporate email back to my personal after seven years, I was reminded that Leap and the net will appear was my motto. I think it particularly apt for 2010.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Where's the vodka?
I like to think I'm a pretty resilient person.
As crazy as things may get around me, I've always been able to look at the situation and try to figure out what I need to learn, or what I need to teach, and thank god, I have a pretty well developed sense of humor. But for the first time in a long time, I'm really feeling like I'm a bit overwhelmed this week, like maybe I just don't know where the safe landing is. I'm not sure I can take one more damn thing.
At least I have unbelievably great friends.
As crazy as things may get around me, I've always been able to look at the situation and try to figure out what I need to learn, or what I need to teach, and thank god, I have a pretty well developed sense of humor. But for the first time in a long time, I'm really feeling like I'm a bit overwhelmed this week, like maybe I just don't know where the safe landing is. I'm not sure I can take one more damn thing.
At least I have unbelievably great friends.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Friday Nights
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
had any more to give
You're pushing me so far,
here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Love remains the same.
Gwen Stefani I can live without, but Gavin Rossdale I like. And somehow these lyrics seemed quite apt, tonight.
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
had any more to give
You're pushing me so far,
here I am without you
Drink, to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Love remains the same.
Gwen Stefani I can live without, but Gavin Rossdale I like. And somehow these lyrics seemed quite apt, tonight.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Golden
If I could just have at least one weekend like this every month.
This weekend, unexpectedly, turned into the perfect storm of just what I needed to recoup and energize after several weeks/months of bad juju. My girls spent the weekend with their aunt, and my husband flew out of town for a conference, so Friday night was spent downtown having some creative time with four really good friends and some Justin pinot, which resulted in a really BIG business idea involving box wine (don't ask), a couple of possible jobs, and laughing until my sides hurt. Not to mention the cheddar and butter orgy - but some things should just be left unsaid.
Saturday morning I went back to my old stomping grounds in Newport Beach, and ran six miles, half on the boardwalk and then back again on the sand. It was one of those absolutely perfect days -- crisp and sunny, with no one on the beach. I stopped at the old house, but no one was home. It felt so good to be there, like a homecoming, and I realized I hadn't been back for at least 2-3 years. Lots and lots of renovations going on -- one of these days I'll have to figure out how to finagle a house there.
After my run I headed for the hills and the house of my best friends and surrogate family. We sat in the jacuzzi, drank champagne, and took turns getting a massage from a guy who used to work for Two Bunch Palms. On the whole, it probably ranks up there with one of the best afternoons of my life! And then we got dressed and took four teenagers to see Spamalot -- not as funny as the movie, but a surreal deja vu experience to hear the four next to us quoting lines that WE were quoting at sixteen too. Maybe 40 is really the new 16? We came back and got out old photo albums from when we were all in college together and told old stories about people we haven't seen since, which was hysterical and bittersweet at the same time -- and then watched Heathers, which I don't think I've seen or thought of for at least 15 years. A fabulously evil movie -- found myself shouting the lines out in each scene, and all of us laughing until we cried. It made me remember what it's like to be around people who get everything about you, who not only appreciate but celebrate the fundamental elements of your life and perspective. It also made me think I may have to relocate to OC at some point so I can have that in my life again on a regular basis.
Or maybe I wouldn't appreciate it so much if I did.
This weekend, unexpectedly, turned into the perfect storm of just what I needed to recoup and energize after several weeks/months of bad juju. My girls spent the weekend with their aunt, and my husband flew out of town for a conference, so Friday night was spent downtown having some creative time with four really good friends and some Justin pinot, which resulted in a really BIG business idea involving box wine (don't ask), a couple of possible jobs, and laughing until my sides hurt. Not to mention the cheddar and butter orgy - but some things should just be left unsaid.
Saturday morning I went back to my old stomping grounds in Newport Beach, and ran six miles, half on the boardwalk and then back again on the sand. It was one of those absolutely perfect days -- crisp and sunny, with no one on the beach. I stopped at the old house, but no one was home. It felt so good to be there, like a homecoming, and I realized I hadn't been back for at least 2-3 years. Lots and lots of renovations going on -- one of these days I'll have to figure out how to finagle a house there.
After my run I headed for the hills and the house of my best friends and surrogate family. We sat in the jacuzzi, drank champagne, and took turns getting a massage from a guy who used to work for Two Bunch Palms. On the whole, it probably ranks up there with one of the best afternoons of my life! And then we got dressed and took four teenagers to see Spamalot -- not as funny as the movie, but a surreal deja vu experience to hear the four next to us quoting lines that WE were quoting at sixteen too. Maybe 40 is really the new 16? We came back and got out old photo albums from when we were all in college together and told old stories about people we haven't seen since, which was hysterical and bittersweet at the same time -- and then watched Heathers, which I don't think I've seen or thought of for at least 15 years. A fabulously evil movie -- found myself shouting the lines out in each scene, and all of us laughing until we cried. It made me remember what it's like to be around people who get everything about you, who not only appreciate but celebrate the fundamental elements of your life and perspective. It also made me think I may have to relocate to OC at some point so I can have that in my life again on a regular basis.
Or maybe I wouldn't appreciate it so much if I did.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Seriously?
Forget the pre-relationship credit check.
There are only two things you need to find out about someone before you marry them:
1. How do they handle packing for a trip? and
2. How do they handle filing their taxes?
In other words, if: (a) they run through the house frantically searching for things like a madperson while yelling at you 20 minutes before you have to leave for the airport, and (b) they consistently file for an extension, put off meeting with the accountant, and then lose the folder with all of your tax receipts, 1098s and 1099s -- RUN AWAY. Believe me, your life will be far, far better if you do.
Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything. Just a hunch.
There are only two things you need to find out about someone before you marry them:
1. How do they handle packing for a trip? and
2. How do they handle filing their taxes?
In other words, if: (a) they run through the house frantically searching for things like a madperson while yelling at you 20 minutes before you have to leave for the airport, and (b) they consistently file for an extension, put off meeting with the accountant, and then lose the folder with all of your tax receipts, 1098s and 1099s -- RUN AWAY. Believe me, your life will be far, far better if you do.
Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything. Just a hunch.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Progress
It's Sunday morning around 10:00am, and I'm skipping church and writing porn. Gotta love it!
Ok, I'm not REALLY writing porn. I'm writing down a dream I had - which thank god was much better than the last dream I had where every dysfunctional couple I've ever known in my life got back together and it felt like I was running through the dream yelling, "NOOOOOO..." endlessly -- and working on my novel, which needs to have porn so it can be excerpted in Cosmo (except I swear I'm not going to stop my sex scenes and have the main character moan, "...do you have a condom?" Yes, yes, I'm all for safe sex but seriously???).
Was that the longest run-on sentence ever?
I guess that 100 days must be paying off. My subconscious has obviously decided that if I can't have real sex in my life, it will at least give me some really good dream sex. Which gave me some great motivation this morning to go for a 6 mile run. Can we say...sublimation? Plus, I noticed this morning (sex on the brain) that my local grocery store sells Astroglide -- who knew? Score! And then I figured out yet another piece of the puzzle that is my novel (if not the puzzle that is my life), so I'm feeling pretty good about TODAY. I'll just be Scarlett for a while and worry about everything else tomorrow.
Ok, I'm not REALLY writing porn. I'm writing down a dream I had - which thank god was much better than the last dream I had where every dysfunctional couple I've ever known in my life got back together and it felt like I was running through the dream yelling, "NOOOOOO..." endlessly -- and working on my novel, which needs to have porn so it can be excerpted in Cosmo (except I swear I'm not going to stop my sex scenes and have the main character moan, "...do you have a condom?" Yes, yes, I'm all for safe sex but seriously???).
Was that the longest run-on sentence ever?
I guess that 100 days must be paying off. My subconscious has obviously decided that if I can't have real sex in my life, it will at least give me some really good dream sex. Which gave me some great motivation this morning to go for a 6 mile run. Can we say...sublimation? Plus, I noticed this morning (sex on the brain) that my local grocery store sells Astroglide -- who knew? Score! And then I figured out yet another piece of the puzzle that is my novel (if not the puzzle that is my life), so I'm feeling pretty good about TODAY. I'll just be Scarlett for a while and worry about everything else tomorrow.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Enough with the negativity
I have to admit I've been somewhat depressed recently, for a number of reasons. But I got an interesting email today, and I'm plagiarizing it because it made me think about things in a slightly different vein. Which is a good thing. So I thought I'd share:
What will you do with the next 100 days?
Tuesday actually marked the final 100 days of 2009. And Jian Ghomeshi from CBC radio challenged listeners to do something with those 100 days.
He suggested maybe writing a hundred pages of that novel you’ve wanted to write, or doing 100 push-ups every day for the next 100 days, etc. I love this idea because it gives you a simple and focused way to achieve a goal. What would it mean for your professional success, if for the next 100 days you:
Contacted one new potential client each day, or
Wrote a blog post on your business website each day, or
Networked with one new person on your favorite social media site each day, or
Performed a writing exercise each day, or
Added a new page to your money-making website each day?
Whatever you choose, doing it 100 times, day after day, could have a profound impact on your business this year. Not to mention propel you forward that much faster towards success in 2010.
So of course they are focused on business, and that could be very powerful. But what if you took a more holistic approach? What could you do for the next 100 days that would make you HAPPIER, as well as more successful?
You could:
Do SOME form of exercise every day (at least walk)
Talk to one good friend
Drink one glass of really good wine
Do one thing that is entirely selfish
Do one thing that is entirely unselfish
Write down one thing you're grateful for
Think about something you love for 5 minutes
Think creatively about how to address one thing that bugs you
Who knows where this could lead?
What will you do with the next 100 days?
Tuesday actually marked the final 100 days of 2009. And Jian Ghomeshi from CBC radio challenged listeners to do something with those 100 days.
He suggested maybe writing a hundred pages of that novel you’ve wanted to write, or doing 100 push-ups every day for the next 100 days, etc. I love this idea because it gives you a simple and focused way to achieve a goal. What would it mean for your professional success, if for the next 100 days you:
Contacted one new potential client each day, or
Wrote a blog post on your business website each day, or
Networked with one new person on your favorite social media site each day, or
Performed a writing exercise each day, or
Added a new page to your money-making website each day?
Whatever you choose, doing it 100 times, day after day, could have a profound impact on your business this year. Not to mention propel you forward that much faster towards success in 2010.
So of course they are focused on business, and that could be very powerful. But what if you took a more holistic approach? What could you do for the next 100 days that would make you HAPPIER, as well as more successful?
You could:
Do SOME form of exercise every day (at least walk)
Talk to one good friend
Drink one glass of really good wine
Do one thing that is entirely selfish
Do one thing that is entirely unselfish
Write down one thing you're grateful for
Think about something you love for 5 minutes
Think creatively about how to address one thing that bugs you
Who knows where this could lead?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Happiness is...what, exactly?
And just when I'm feeling all cocky, like maybe things are turning around and going in the direction I'd like them to for once, life comes along and gives me a nice little smackdown.
If you asked me, I wouldn't say that I'm a sucker for punishment. I don't think I'm needy or have self esteem issues. Maybe it's some kind of genetic defect that ensures that I will fall hard for the wrong men, and then stick it out and hope that I'm wrong long past the point that a smart person would have run screaming for the lifeboats.
Stupid is as stupid does, and man, I feel stupid this week. I got a multiple whammy, and I don't even want to talk about some of it - THAT's how stupid I feel. Not fun. Just lying here, contemplating the ceiling and doing a little re-evaluating of everything while I'm metaphorically flat on my ass.
So just a little taste of what I'm dealing with - just one small thing. There are several others, but like I said, I'm not going there at the moment. Maybe later.
We've had this little tax issue with my husband's company for the last 3 years (yes, 3), in which the govt claims that they haven't paid them any withholding, and they claim they have, and we go around in circles, and my husband says he'll take care of it, and I believe him. Until today, when I got a notice from my company that my wages have been garnished to pay for his tax bill. MINE. Not his. I'm the wordsmith, so what's the right phrase for this situation? Oh, that's right -- FUCK that noise.
Why have I put up with this, you might ask (along with the other stuff)? And the answer is....I don't know. Seriously. I don't know. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have had my ass kicked down the street by now. But noooo, I always have to be the nice one. Well, I'm not feeling nice.
It's a good thing I'm running the half marathon this weekend. I'm really, really not feeling particularly fond of men at the moment. Nope, not feeling the love.
If you asked me, I wouldn't say that I'm a sucker for punishment. I don't think I'm needy or have self esteem issues. Maybe it's some kind of genetic defect that ensures that I will fall hard for the wrong men, and then stick it out and hope that I'm wrong long past the point that a smart person would have run screaming for the lifeboats.
Stupid is as stupid does, and man, I feel stupid this week. I got a multiple whammy, and I don't even want to talk about some of it - THAT's how stupid I feel. Not fun. Just lying here, contemplating the ceiling and doing a little re-evaluating of everything while I'm metaphorically flat on my ass.
So just a little taste of what I'm dealing with - just one small thing. There are several others, but like I said, I'm not going there at the moment. Maybe later.
We've had this little tax issue with my husband's company for the last 3 years (yes, 3), in which the govt claims that they haven't paid them any withholding, and they claim they have, and we go around in circles, and my husband says he'll take care of it, and I believe him. Until today, when I got a notice from my company that my wages have been garnished to pay for his tax bill. MINE. Not his. I'm the wordsmith, so what's the right phrase for this situation? Oh, that's right -- FUCK that noise.
Why have I put up with this, you might ask (along with the other stuff)? And the answer is....I don't know. Seriously. I don't know. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have had my ass kicked down the street by now. But noooo, I always have to be the nice one. Well, I'm not feeling nice.
It's a good thing I'm running the half marathon this weekend. I'm really, really not feeling particularly fond of men at the moment. Nope, not feeling the love.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Curiouser and curiouser...
The last couple of weeks have been a lesson in focus, serendipity and putting things out to the universe.
I spent five days in Canyon Ranch with a group of really motivated, intelligent, interesting women. We worked out, hiked, talked, were scrubbed and massaged, sat by the pool, cooked, ate, and generally detoxed and relaxed. While we were there, we all went out on the night of the full moon to walk the labrynth. We also had a charm to leave there, signifying something to accomplish and something to leave behind this year. Mine was a silver heart - signifying that I'd like to figure out where to go with my personal life, and to leave the anxiety about my professional life behind.
Eventually, we had to leave paradise for the real world, which is always an adjustment. But this week has been very interesting...
Because of a conversation with one of my customers about change management, I was introduced to a woman who has created a "mental fitness" training program. Because of my lunch with her, I was introduced to the COO of a Scottish total lifestyle training company who likes my background. Because of a conversation about eLearning with an exec in my company, I'm now on a rotational action team with national exposure. Because of a random conversation about the difference one year can make, and the effect of playing the "what if?" game, I was introduced to a publisher from Penguin who wants my book outline.
I may not have figured out what the heck to do about my personal life yet, but at least I can say that things are happening on the career front -- and for the first time in a long time I'm really optimistic. And a little nervous, since I suddenly need to get serious about putting my money where my mouth (or my writing) is.
Carpe diem.
I spent five days in Canyon Ranch with a group of really motivated, intelligent, interesting women. We worked out, hiked, talked, were scrubbed and massaged, sat by the pool, cooked, ate, and generally detoxed and relaxed. While we were there, we all went out on the night of the full moon to walk the labrynth. We also had a charm to leave there, signifying something to accomplish and something to leave behind this year. Mine was a silver heart - signifying that I'd like to figure out where to go with my personal life, and to leave the anxiety about my professional life behind.
Eventually, we had to leave paradise for the real world, which is always an adjustment. But this week has been very interesting...
Because of a conversation with one of my customers about change management, I was introduced to a woman who has created a "mental fitness" training program. Because of my lunch with her, I was introduced to the COO of a Scottish total lifestyle training company who likes my background. Because of a conversation about eLearning with an exec in my company, I'm now on a rotational action team with national exposure. Because of a random conversation about the difference one year can make, and the effect of playing the "what if?" game, I was introduced to a publisher from Penguin who wants my book outline.
I may not have figured out what the heck to do about my personal life yet, but at least I can say that things are happening on the career front -- and for the first time in a long time I'm really optimistic. And a little nervous, since I suddenly need to get serious about putting my money where my mouth (or my writing) is.
Carpe diem.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Summer Days
I'm having a sensory memory right now.
I just came downstairs from putting the girls to bed, and the whole house smells like wildfire. It dropped me straight into the fires from two years ago -- I immediately had to go out in front and then out in back to see if there's a telltale glow in the hills or on the horizon anywhere. Nothing is visible, so I hope it's just a bunch of outdoor fireplaces. I REALLY don't want to pack up the house and evacuate again...
There are days I truly love being a mom. Today was one. I got up early to run/hike with a friend of mine, and it was absolutely gorgeous. But you could tell it was going to be a scorcher - at 8:00am down by the ocean it was totally clear, sunny, and HOT. So when I came home, I said to hell with the housework and took the girls to the playground with the waterpark sprinklers (since we don't have a pool, like I grew up with), and we ran around for the next few hours. When they got hungry, we came home for lunch, and I set up beds in their fort outside, and they both fell asleep there for several hours. It was a very peaceful day -- the kind of day you're supposed to have when you're a kid during the summer.
When I was little, my two best friends (next door and across the street) and I all had pools in our backyards. When you live in a place that hits 115 in the summer, a pool is a critical accessory. We would spend every day (and night) during the summer traipsing from one backyard to the next, swimming in the morning at Lori's, in the afternoon at Becky's and at night at my house, depending on how the fancy struck us (or how our parent's respective patience levels might be). By 10:00pm, we were exhausted little mole children, completely blind from the amount of chlorine our eyes had endured. The three of us would crash at someone's house, and get up in the morning to do it all again. We didn't have "play dates" -- we were more like a pack of puppies.
I miss that.
I just came downstairs from putting the girls to bed, and the whole house smells like wildfire. It dropped me straight into the fires from two years ago -- I immediately had to go out in front and then out in back to see if there's a telltale glow in the hills or on the horizon anywhere. Nothing is visible, so I hope it's just a bunch of outdoor fireplaces. I REALLY don't want to pack up the house and evacuate again...
There are days I truly love being a mom. Today was one. I got up early to run/hike with a friend of mine, and it was absolutely gorgeous. But you could tell it was going to be a scorcher - at 8:00am down by the ocean it was totally clear, sunny, and HOT. So when I came home, I said to hell with the housework and took the girls to the playground with the waterpark sprinklers (since we don't have a pool, like I grew up with), and we ran around for the next few hours. When they got hungry, we came home for lunch, and I set up beds in their fort outside, and they both fell asleep there for several hours. It was a very peaceful day -- the kind of day you're supposed to have when you're a kid during the summer.
When I was little, my two best friends (next door and across the street) and I all had pools in our backyards. When you live in a place that hits 115 in the summer, a pool is a critical accessory. We would spend every day (and night) during the summer traipsing from one backyard to the next, swimming in the morning at Lori's, in the afternoon at Becky's and at night at my house, depending on how the fancy struck us (or how our parent's respective patience levels might be). By 10:00pm, we were exhausted little mole children, completely blind from the amount of chlorine our eyes had endured. The three of us would crash at someone's house, and get up in the morning to do it all again. We didn't have "play dates" -- we were more like a pack of puppies.
I miss that.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Keep Moving
Today's quote of the day was so good, I needed to immortalize it.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." – Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)
I spent the entire day today fighting the urge to get in my car and drive until the road ran out. I've never been addicted to anything, but I think I understood today what people who are fighting an addiction feel. I just wanted to leave everything in place, get in the car, drive somewhere, and start over from scratch.
It's not like anything horrible happened today. It was a gorgeous day. But I had 5 loads of laundry to do, and the bills to pay, and the kitchen to clean, and baths to give, and church, and and and. Some days I think I have meaningful work in me, but there's just so much stuff that gets in the way. And suddenly I find myself sitting on the wall in the backyard, looking over the hills and wondering how far would be far enough.
I think it's a good thing I'm giving my alter-ego a road trip; my subconscious is stuck in craving mode.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." – Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)
I spent the entire day today fighting the urge to get in my car and drive until the road ran out. I've never been addicted to anything, but I think I understood today what people who are fighting an addiction feel. I just wanted to leave everything in place, get in the car, drive somewhere, and start over from scratch.
It's not like anything horrible happened today. It was a gorgeous day. But I had 5 loads of laundry to do, and the bills to pay, and the kitchen to clean, and baths to give, and church, and and and. Some days I think I have meaningful work in me, but there's just so much stuff that gets in the way. And suddenly I find myself sitting on the wall in the backyard, looking over the hills and wondering how far would be far enough.
I think it's a good thing I'm giving my alter-ego a road trip; my subconscious is stuck in craving mode.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Vicarious Sex
I just liked the title.
I think I'm going about this all wrong. Since my day job/real life is just not all that and a game of hide the biscuit at the moment, I really need to get off my ass and start living vicariously through my characters. Fuck real life. My heroine has needs, damn it! At the moment, she needs:
I think I'm going about this all wrong. Since my day job/real life is just not all that and a game of hide the biscuit at the moment, I really need to get off my ass and start living vicariously through my characters. Fuck real life. My heroine has needs, damn it! At the moment, she needs:
- To get laid so I can write some hot sex scenes (has anyone read Cosmo lately -- good god, I'm not letting my daughters touch that until they graduate college/birth their first child - no wonder they now have Teen Cosmo, which probably thinks only talking about the J's is appropriate for that age group);
- A really good stripper name (and a club, for that matter);
- Some snappy dialogue/soliloquies;
- A kick ass masseur; and
- A three-book deal and an HBO miniseries...
Not that I'm projecting or anything.
And why is it that when I get on a perfectly good writing kick for one project, the idea for another, totally unrelated one blossoms in my brain and demands immediate attention, like a three-year-old whose mom is on the phone? I need that thing (I can't remember what it's called at the moment) that Dumbledore has in his office into which he deposits his memories/thoughts to create additional space. Where can I get one?
It is increasingly apparent to me that I will just need to create my own version of reality.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Inertia
We walked down the street tonight after dinner and shared a bottle of wine with our neighbors, while the kids played in their living room. They have the same model of house as we do, so we talked a lot about the landscaping and the decor and what we liked about the neighborhood, and it was a very pleasant night.
And the whole time I was sitting there thinking, you know, to the outside world we probably seem like a really nice, happy couple. No issues. Great kids. Except that we'll go home tonight and put the kids to bed and revert back to our usual roommate personas - I'll clean the kitchen, he'll fall asleep on the couch watching the war channel and then we'll both end up in separate bedrooms to sleep the rest of the night. Remind me why I want this?
I think what I'm most afraid of is the fact that when we're not fighting, the inertia of every day life will make me forget that this isn't the way things should be --we're not 70 years old, for god's sake, I shouldn't have to go without sex or getting anything back for the rest of my natural life for no apparent reason. I don't want to rub my eyes 5 years from now and think, wow, you traded passion and interest because...you liked the neighbors? Your backyard was just perfect? WTF? I know those women; they're not fun to be around. I don't want to be one.
But where do you draw the line between unsatisfied and miserable? I'm not miserable. I just have the nagging feeling that even if I spent the rest of my life alone, it would be more satisfying in the long run than this is. Except that I don't know if that's the case with my kids. Which is why I'll keep putting off a decision until I'm sure one way or the other. I'm just not sure what it's doing to my self respect.
There are some days I wish I was fearless.
And the whole time I was sitting there thinking, you know, to the outside world we probably seem like a really nice, happy couple. No issues. Great kids. Except that we'll go home tonight and put the kids to bed and revert back to our usual roommate personas - I'll clean the kitchen, he'll fall asleep on the couch watching the war channel and then we'll both end up in separate bedrooms to sleep the rest of the night. Remind me why I want this?
I think what I'm most afraid of is the fact that when we're not fighting, the inertia of every day life will make me forget that this isn't the way things should be --we're not 70 years old, for god's sake, I shouldn't have to go without sex or getting anything back for the rest of my natural life for no apparent reason. I don't want to rub my eyes 5 years from now and think, wow, you traded passion and interest because...you liked the neighbors? Your backyard was just perfect? WTF? I know those women; they're not fun to be around. I don't want to be one.
But where do you draw the line between unsatisfied and miserable? I'm not miserable. I just have the nagging feeling that even if I spent the rest of my life alone, it would be more satisfying in the long run than this is. Except that I don't know if that's the case with my kids. Which is why I'll keep putting off a decision until I'm sure one way or the other. I'm just not sure what it's doing to my self respect.
There are some days I wish I was fearless.
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