Keep Moving

Today's quote of the day was so good, I needed to immortalize it.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." – Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)

I spent the entire day today fighting the urge to get in my car and drive until the road ran out. I've never been addicted to anything, but I think I understood today what people who are fighting an addiction feel. I just wanted to leave everything in place, get in the car, drive somewhere, and start over from scratch.

It's not like anything horrible happened today. It was a gorgeous day. But I had 5 loads of laundry to do, and the bills to pay, and the kitchen to clean, and baths to give, and church, and and and. Some days I think I have meaningful work in me, but there's just so much stuff that gets in the way. And suddenly I find myself sitting on the wall in the backyard, looking over the hills and wondering how far would be far enough.

I think it's a good thing I'm giving my alter-ego a road trip; my subconscious is stuck in craving mode.

Vicarious Sex

I just liked the title.

I think I'm going about this all wrong. Since my day job/real life is just not all that and a game of hide the biscuit at the moment, I really need to get off my ass and start living vicariously through my characters. Fuck real life. My heroine has needs, damn it! At the moment, she needs:

• To get laid so I can write some hot sex scenes (has anyone read Cosmo lately -- good god, I'm not letting my daughters touch that until they graduate college/birth their first child - no wonder they now have Teen Cosmo, which probably thinks only talking about the J's is appropriate for that age group);
• A really good stripper name (and a club, for that matter);
• Some snappy dialogue/soliloquies;
• A kick ass masseur; and
• A three-book deal and an HBO miniseries...

Not that I'm projecting or anything.

And why is it that when I get on a perfectly good writing kick for one project, the idea for another, totally unrelated one blossoms in my brain and demands immediate attention, like a three-year-old whose mom is on the phone? I need that thing (I can't remember what it's called at the moment) that Dumbledore has in his office into which he deposits his memories/thoughts to create additional space. Where can I get one?

It is increasingly apparent to me that I will just need to create my own version of reality.

Inertia

We walked down the street tonight after dinner and shared a bottle of wine with our neighbors, while the kids played in their living room. They have the same model of house as we do, so we talked a lot about the landscaping and the decor and what we liked about the neighborhood, and it was a very pleasant night.

And the whole time I was sitting there thinking, you know, to the outside world we probably seem like a really nice, happy couple. No issues. Great kids. Except that we'll go home tonight and put the kids to bed and revert back to our usual roommate personas - I'll clean the kitchen, he'll fall asleep on the couch watching the war channel and then we'll both end up in separate bedrooms to sleep the rest of the night. Remind me why I want this?

I think what I'm most afraid of is the fact that when we're not fighting, the inertia of every day life will make me forget that this isn't the way things should be --we're not 70 years old, for god's sake, I shouldn't have to go without sex or getting anything back for the rest of my natural life for no apparent reason. I don't want to rub my eyes 5 years from now and think, wow, you traded passion and interest because...you liked the neighbors? Your backyard was just perfect? WTF? I know those women; they're not fun to be around. I don't want to be one.

But where do you draw the line between unsatisfied and miserable? I'm not miserable. I just have the nagging feeling that even if I spent the rest of my life alone, it would be more satisfying in the long run than this is. Except that I don't know if that's the case with my kids. Which is why I'll keep putting off a decision until I'm sure one way or the other. I'm just not sure what it's doing to my self respect.

There are some days I wish I was fearless.

Harder than it looks

Take what you want, and pay for it, says God.


On my vacation last week, I read what might make the short list of my favorite books of all time: The Likeness, by Tana French. In it, one of the main characters has an excellent, insightful soliloqy around the fact that despite the elegant simplicity of this saying (i.e., there is a price for everything, accept that, and pay it) we have all managed to overlook the second clause. We want what we want, but we're outraged when anyone, ever, mentions that the bill must be paid.

For me, that was a timely reminder. Perhaps I've spent too much time over the last year getting myself knotted up about managing to have absolutely everything I want (satisfying career, happy family, effective writing, productive alone time, enough money, workout/running time, interesting vacations, fabulous sex life/terrific relationship, etc) without having to pay for anything.

It's all about the consequences. You CAN have what you want -- just know what the price is, and whether you're willing to pay it. Is it worth it? Where does it fit in the grand scheme of things? Do you have to have it RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Instant gratification has become so easily achieved.

If only the consequences were immediately apparent - it would make prioritizing so much easier.