How To Give Good...

Oh please. Where is YOUR mind? (Well, if you read my last post, I guess I can't blame you.)

I have to apologize. I was all set to write the follow up post to my fuckerware party...

BUT, then I had a conversation with a friend about our relative stress levels and the desperate need for a really good massage, which got me thinking...always dangerous...and so I'm going to take the equivalent of a commercial break to write this instead (disclaimer: I am NOT a professional masseuse, so follow at your own risk):

How To Relax Your Man

For maximum results, dim the lighting and make your background music relaxing - instrumental is good, speed metal not so good. Lightly scented oil or lotion is perfect - if it heats up when you rub or blow on it, all the better. Let your partner choose a scent for best effect (and since this is MY instruction, I get to assume from here on out that my partner is a man. Any hetero men reading this feel free to substitute gender as necessary).

A warm bath or hot shower ahead of time can help loosen tight muscles and put him in the right mood. To begin, have him lie face down (fully clothed, partially clothed, or nude is up to them and you -- I generally prefer the latter, but hey, it takes all kinds). And since I'm running this fantasy massage, I also get to assume that most of you will be doing this at home without the benefit of a professional massage table. With that in mind, straddle your man with one knee on either side of his hips. Put some oil or lotion in the palm of your hands and make sure they are warm and well lubricated.

I like to start at the base of the spine, one thumb on either side of the spinal cord, and run both hands up the back, with medium pressure on the thumbs and heels of each hand, to the base of the neck. Some men like a lot of pressure, some don't - ask if you're not sure. Return to the base of the spine and repeat, but this time using a wide circular motion with the thumbs, seeking out and working any pressure points or tight muscles. At the top, trail your fingers/fingernails lightly down the back; repeat as desired. At the top, work the shoulders next, and down each arm with long strokes. Lace the fingers of both of your hands through one of his, stretching the hand apart gently, and knead the heel and finger pads with both of your thumbs. Repeat, other arm.

Return to the base of the neck. Massage the neck with your thumbs, again using a circular stroke, and use your fingers to massage up from the neck onto the scalp and crown of the head. Make your index and middle fingers into a "v" and run them up around each ear, and then onto the earlobes.

If your goal is to get your man into bed, you may find you don't need to continue the massage at this point (well...except maybe for some more intimate areas that I'm not going to address). If, however, the relaxation must continue...you will need to change position.

Kneel or stand in front of your partner's head. Replenish the oil or lotion on your hands, and stroke down his spine to the lower back. Massage out from the spine in circular motions. If more pressure is needed/desired, ball your hands and use your knuckles to knead.

Move all the way down your partner's body to stand or kneel at his feet. Picking up each foot separately, massage the heels, up the fleshy middle with your thumbs to the balls of his feet, and finally, with additonal oil/lotion, in between and up each toe. I can't tell you if it's true, but I have been TOLD that when done right this can be the pedicular equivalent of oral sex. I know it feels pretty damn good when someone does it to me...

Separate the legs slightly and continue the massage up the calves -- which can be particularly tight and painful, so be careful of too much pressure here -- to the thighs and buttocks, using long, medium pressure strokes.

I like to end a massage (if it hasn't ended from say, natural causes, by now) where I started -- straddling his hips, using long and/or feather-light strokes.

There now -- everyone feeling better?