Just Another Day

The end of October is a big time in my family. My brother was dragged into his 40th year yesterday, I eased into 43 today, and my youngest is thrilled to be 2 tomorrow. I usually don't have an issue with my birthdays - my fortieth was barely a blip on my emotional radar - though it has crossed my mind that maybe all of this recent angst is some kind of delayed midlife crisis. Except that I had one of those at 25, so I feel like I'll be over my quota if I try for another. Really, it's not fair to those who haven't had a turn yet.

So in case I'm turning into some kind of maudlin cliche, I thought I'd celebrate my birthday by looking at all the things I'm happy about/grateful for tonight:

• Good health -- something we all take for granted, but I'm very, very blessed in this;
• My family -- not to brag or anything, but it goes without saying that I, of course, have the most beautiful, gifted, talented children on the planet (who have not hit puberty yet);
• Resort spas, and men who have chosen massage as a career path -- I had an 80 minute massage today, and I'm very grateful for the fact that even if I'm not having sex, I can at least have this;
• Getting fit - stepping on the scale for the first time today in god knows how long and seeing that I am within 2 lbs of pre-baby weight (hallelujah);
• Running - who'd a thunk it? A way to manage mood swings and plot developments without Prozac;
• Books -- what would I do without my one obsessive-compulsive behavior?
• A quick mind, a sympathetic ear, and the most enjoyable voice -- thank you for ALL of the conversation and understanding lately, it means the world to me;
• A good challenge -- whatever it looks like, really, it's what keeps me going;
• Really, really good wine -- snaps to Patz & Hall, Elyse, Fantesca, Blackbird, and a few other favorites who illuminate my evenings and probably make me a better person in the long run; and
• Writing -- what might be the whole reason I exist; I feel like I've finally hit my stride this year, despite (or perhaps due to) the upheaval in the rest of my life.

I think my only fear about getting older is in not wanting to miss any opportunities. I spent a good portion of my early years being afraid of doing anything remotely risky (a legacy from my parents), plus I'm a late starter in general, so I often feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time in multiple areas. The fact that I'm an insatiable reader probably doesn't help in this case, as I'm always reading something that makes me think, "oh, I wish I could do THAT" or "damn, I wish I'd written that!" So, while I don't have a burning desire to overcome world hunger or win the Nobel Peace Prize, there are a few things I'd like to accomplish before I leave the station:

• A house in Italy -- yes, Frances Mayes, this is entirely your fault;
• A best seller -- doesn't have to be the magnitude of Harry Potter, but it would be nice to know I made the NY Times list for a couple of weeks;
• Be a stakeholder in a successful startup company (high tech, biotech, whatever) - I've always wanted to exercise my options;
• Be fluent in at least two languages (besides English) - I'm thinking French and Italian, but Chinese might be more practical;
• Take an entire year off, travel, and write about it; and
• Be happy with the choices I've made.

I've always believed (simplistically, perhaps) that there is a reason for everything that happens. Sometimes it's just difficult to see the big picture from where we are currently standing, and even more challenging to pick out the right path from the thousands of starting points that lie in front of us. Maybe next year at this time, I'll look back and hindsight will make it easy for me to see what choices I should have made and the direction I should have gone. For now, I may not be content, but I'm willing to keep an open mind and keep moving forward.