The L Word

And now for something completely different...

Love.

Which might even be more complicated, confusing, and ultimately irritating than its predecessor. I hesitate even to tackle this topic that poets and philosophers have attempted to define centuries before my DNA was even a mote in my parents' eyes. On the other hand, this one stupid emotion, along with its partner-in-crime (sex), has caused so much upheaval in my short life that I probably ought to consider myself an expert and shove my opinions toward center stage.

What is love? A divine emotion; a jumble of hormones; a many-splendored thing; something we can't live without? Do we fall or grow into it? Do we fall in love with those we're sexually attracted to, or are we sexually attracted to the ones we love? Can/should love be separate from sex? (A question women in general have a hard time with.) Do you only get one love of your life? Why DO we fall in love, and what makes love last? And finally, if your love dies, can you bring it back?

I certainly can't presume to speak for anyone but myself on this topic. If I look back on the course of my life, I think romantic love represented a tapping in to certain qualities that I lacked in myself. In my twenties and early thirties, I was most attracted to and fell in love with men who were type-A, hard charging over-achievers: attractive men who could tell a good story, command a room, direct a team, get things done. I'm sure my mother's generation would have looked at them as "a good provider," and certainly it was reassuring to know there was someone in my life who could handle just about anything. But as I got older, I also found that the qualities that attracted me to these men did not really respond well to change, which made it very hard for me to grow and develop. They didn't want to hear my stories - they had their own. They didn't want me to develop a plan for our future -they already had one, thank you very much. They did not want me to assume a starring role in my life -- they were already occupying center stage, and it got a bit crowded with two of us up there.

As I wrestled with these issues, I also struggled with the nature of love, and what we all do to make love "work" within the context of our daily lives. Often we fall in love based on an initial physical attraction, which might be bolstered by the commonality of shared experiences (think of high-school sweethearts, college students, or work colleagues). As relationships progress, how many of us have adapted or given up pieces of who we are in order to make everything go smoother -- habits, past-times, beliefs, friends, convictions, whatever it might be? At the same time, we're focused on benchmarking the relationship in accordance to whatever context we're comfortable with - are we going on the right dates, does he drive the right car, is she hot enough, are we moving at the right pace, are we planning the right wedding, will we live in the right neighborhood, will we be the right kind of parents, etc? By the time we get most of the way down this path, it's too late to take a step back and realize that maybe the questions we should have been asking were, "Who am I? What makes me tick, and what kind of life do I ultimately want? How do I want to define love?"

I think many of us instinctively know the qualities that a lasting love should have: respect, integrity, honesty, open communication, attraction, caring, honor, joy -- continue as you wish. So why is it so incredibly hard to find the real thing? Possibly because human beings have very little patience - we want what we want when we want it (especially my generation). The idea of "love at first sight" has screwed up a lot of otherwise rational people. I think also the idea that there's only one soul-mate for everyone has screwed us up too -- what if this is The One and I let him/her get away? What if I never get another chance? Most of us don't pause to reflect on what matters most to us, what qualities or characteristics from another person might enhance our lives -- instead, we rush to lock in the loan without considering the terms and the fact that the interest rate is going to quadruple at some point in the future. If it's a bad deal, it's a bad deal, and no amount of money, or the right diamond, or a killer promotion, or a house in the best neighborhood is going to make up for the fact that you've committed yourself to something that doesn't work for you. Eventually, what you thought was love is going to go out the window.

I realize it sounds like I'm the biggest cynic on the planet (sex is screwed up, love is worse...) - but I really believe that we just need to slow down and pay attention. When I realized that I'm typically attracted to the show horse, the kind of guy who needs to be on center stage all the time, I was also forced to confront the fact that because of that pattern, I was giving up far too much control over my own decisions, activities, friendships, and personality. I resented those men for being themselves - it was my own fault, only I had never taken the time to analyze and articulate what was important to me, or develop the emotional fortitude to stick to my guns. Now I know I want someone who listens as well as they talk; who has curiousity and a great thirst for new experiences; who has a sense of humor and adventure; who wants a partnership as instead of a dictatorship; who isn't afraid to lay the hard stuff out at the beginning and see who is still standing when the dust clears. Oh, and the physical attraction thing too -- I'm still interested in that.