Take Care Now, Y'Hear?

Now, about those percolating thoughts...

I spent a lot of time this weekend observing the parental units - not in their natural habitat, but it's better that way -- and thinking about some of the differences between their generation and mine when it comes to marriage and the expectations involved therein.

I don't really know if my parents have a happy marriage. I've asked, and my mom doesn't know how to answer the question. They aren't actively UNhappy -- but they seem to be annoyed with each other more than they seem to have a good time together. It's been this way forever, as far as I can tell. This fact scares me shitless,. This is my model for the way marriage works. Crap.

My father was a good provider. A distant, work-obsessed, non-emotional dad, but a good provider. My mother was raised to find a man who could/wanted to take care of her, so she could concentrate on taking care of the house and the kids and her husband. (Possibly in that order.)

Maybe because I've seen precisely how this works in my nuclear family, I do not want a man to take care of me. Nor do I want to reverse things and take care of a man. In fact, I don't know many independent, professional, emotionally mature women who do. What we want is a man who cares for us. There is a difference - subtle, maybe, but large. Being "taken care of" implies that one person has more power than the other -- is, in fact, the adult in the relationship: the responsible one, the mature one, the one who knows or is able to do/handle more than the other. Granted, this is ok in the short term -- look, we all have times we NEED someone to take care of us, or vice versa. But on an ongoing basis, that imbalance of power can be crazy-making.

I don't want a parent. I want a partner. Preferably, an equal partner. In a balanced relationship, two people care for one another. (And in a REALLY good relationship, they also eff like bunnies, but that's beside the point at the moment.) Why can't we ALL be adults at the party, focus on the give-and-take, shoulder our own responsibilities -- and still manage to have a loving, intelligent, happy relationship? Is this really so difficult? Apparently so.

I think this is why I fight so hard against my husband when he insists on being the only one allowed to paint the walls in our house, choose the landscaping, take care of the taxes, do the grocery shopping - whatever it is. I know he thinks he's taking care of me, but -- the impulse might be loving, but I'm wary of the motive behind it. If I let you do everything for me, will I become dependent on you? How much knowledge/skill/independence/adulthood will I abdicate for the sake of convenience and comfort? (I mean, hey, I already gave you total control over my sexuality, and look how well you did with that -- do I want to repeat that with all of my needs? Not effing likely...)

I also think it's why I was so annoyed this week when my dad spent his entire visit talking to my husband about his business - but never asked about mine. It felt like I was immediately assigned to little-girl irrelevance.

Yes, I realize I totally overthink everything.